The Secret Life of Commander Shepard: A Dossier
by Shootingstar7123
Summary: Commander Tempest Shepard is a psychotic biotic, terrible at tech, a notorious drunk, and the galaxy's last hope. If she were to look herself up in the Shadow Broker's files, what would she find? It's 90% humor, 10% angsting, featuring a drunk Shepard, a tormented Miranda, and a budding Shepard/Garrus romance.
1. Waking Up

The Secret Life of Commander Shepard:

A Dossier

…

Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard is a psychotic biotic, terrible at tech, a notorious drunk, and the galaxy's last hope. If she were to look herself up in the Shadow Broker's files, what would she find?

This dossier follows her through the events of Mass Effect 2, and stars the same Shepard as 'Starlight'.

…

Note: The typos are intentional due to much of this being Shepard's own writing. If it becomes too difficult to read due to typos, I can make adjustments.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard [formerly Ava Shepard]

SSV Normandy SR2

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: Kaiden Alenko /MODIFIED/ Kaidan Alenko /MODIFIED/ Kaidan Alenko location

SEARCH: coping with death /MODIFIED/ near-death experiences

DOWNLOAD: Dealing With Near-Death Experiences [pamphlet]

SEARCH: Lazarus project /MODIFIED/ Lazarus /MODIFIED/ Lazarus Bible

DOWNLOAD: Christian Bible [book] /FILE DELETED/

DOWNLOAD: Asari Confessions: True Blue 26 [vid]

SUBSCRIPTION: Fornax Online Weekly Edition

SEARCH: galactic news

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Dear diary, /LINE ERASE/ Dear Mom,

I know this is stupid. You're dead. I don't believe in any of that afterlife stuff, obviously. I mean, if anyone should know, that would be me. I'd like to think you're looking out for me from somewhere. I know better than that, but I'm writing to you anyway. Seemed better than writing stupid dear diary at least.

I've been dead for two years. what. the. fuck.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: Commander Shepard /MODIFIED/ Commander Shepard death

SEARCH: Commander Shepard biography

DOWNLOAD: Commander Shepard: A Hero's Tragic Tale [book]

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Dear Mom,

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I missed two years of my life. Of everyone's lives. What is Kaiden /PARTIAL LINE ERASE/ Kaidan going to think? What is everyone going to think?

God, Tali was like a little sister to me. When I saw her today at the colony (i forgot the name already. I am a bad person.) she was a completely different person than the girl I knew back then. That's when it hit me. Two years. TWO FUCKING YEARS GOOD GOD! the Normandy attack just feels like yesterday…

It makes me want to hurt someone. How fucking dare they take two years of my life from me?

And then Cerberus brings me back so I can work for them? I JUST WANT A BREAK. is that too much to ask?

I'm glad yuo aren't really reading this. I'm gonna be swearing a lot, and you were always getting onto me about that. Then again, I was only 16.

I saw tali on the colony we went to. She was all grown up and so cold, mom. She didn't believe it was me & she wouldnt come on my mission with me. God Tali was like a sister to me. I already lost one sister, do I have to lose 2? No one should have to go through this shit twice.

Of course, no one should have to go through half the bull I've been through.

Fuck the Collectors. Fuck them. Fuck collectors, fuck slavers, fuck mercs, and god damn it I know I shouldn't but fuck batarians too, while I'm at it. I want to slaughter something. I know that would shock you, but damn it, I just do.

Speaking of sisters, I promised Ash I would look after hers. I promised her, and what did I do? Get myself killed off asap. If I tried to message them now, they'd probably think it was a prank or something. May as well try tho.

At least joker is here.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: WTF MIRANDA

MLaws: Commander?

TempestuousShep: why did you do it?

MLaws: I can't answer that question until you enlighten me as to what we're talking about.

TempestuousShep: YOU TOOK AWAY MY SCAR!1

MLaws: What scar?

TempestuousShep: my eyebrow one you bitch! it was sexy and dangerous

MLaws: My apologies, Commander. We didn't deem your scars to be worth reconstructing.

TempestuousShep: s'ok mir, we can fix that

TempestuousShep: come up to my quarters, bring a knife and medigel

TempestuousShep: I'll show you where

MLaws: I sincerely hope you're joking.

TempestuousShep: dammit Miranda im serious, I want that scar back

TempestuousShep: you're going to come up here and fix it

TempestuousShep: o and that's an order. ha.

MLaws: I'm going to pretend this conversation never happened.

[Conversation terminated by MLaws]

…

**Messages Sent:**

From: Commander Shepard

To: Abby Williams, Lynn Williams, Sarah Williams

Abby, Lynn, and Sarah,

I'm guessing you're pretty shocked to hear from me. It's a long story but I've been dead /LINE ERASE/ sort of dead /LINE ERASE/ in a medical coma for a couple years. It's complicated and I'm not sure I even really understand it. The point is, I am alive, it's really me, and I would have sent you a message if I could.

How is everyth /LINE ERASE/ Please send me a message so I know you're all okay.

I'm on a mission, but I'll be sure to keep in touch.

Shepard

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: shakespeare tempest

DOWNLOAD: The Tempest [book]

…

**Keystroke Log:**

I forgot to mention it before, Mom, but I settled on Tempest. You know, for a new name.

It seemed like the time for a change. and I thought you'd like this one.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…


	2. Omega

The Secret Life of Commander Shepard:

A Dossier

…

Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard is a psychotic biotic, terrible at tech, a notorious drunk, and the galaxy's last hope. If she were to look herself up in the Shadow Broker's files, what would she find?

This dossier follows her through the events of Mass Effect 2, and stars the same Shepard as 'Starlight'.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard

SSV Normandy SR2

…

**Keystroke Log:**

I hate Cerberus, Mom. The Illusive man is like a bad guy from one of those old movies we watched when I was a kid. he's creepy and evil and has something weird going on with his eyes.

Mom, they were behind Akuze.

If I ever meet TIM face to face I WILL kill him. and enjoy it.

Before I died I shut down a bunch of cerberus projects and they were all terrible, too. thorian creepers, husks, rachni….. and Miranda has an excuse for every one of them.

I hate my Cerberus team members. Miranda is this bitchy Cerberus lapdog with a wierd old school Aussie accent. AND I CAN'T STAND HER! She's mean, and she's a buzzkill. She stripped the bar in the lounge, and i can't even tell you how much I need that bar right now.

And Jacob claims to have morals and stuff but he's basically a merc.

I

HATE

MERCS!

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SUBSCRIPTION: Oh No They Didn't weekly edition

SUBSCRIPTION MODIFIED: Oh No They Didn't daily edition

SEARCH: Illusive man

PURCHASE: Serrice Ice Brandy, case of 24

SEARCH: Mordin Solus

SEARCH: Archangel /MODIFIED/ Archangel Omega /MODIFIED/ Archangel Omega vigilante /MODIFIED/ batman

DOWNLOAD: Batman classics combo pack [vids and comics]

PURCHASE: Batman action figure

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Aria is kind of a bitch.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: Miranda

MLaws: Yes, Commander?

TS: Do u think we can take the crew out 4 drinks Afterlife?

ML: Why would we want to do that?

TS: Morale?

ML: Shepard, as your XO I strongly advise

TS: will u stop doing that?

ML: Will I stop doing what?

TS: calling yourself my xo

ML: But I am your executive officer, Shepard. I'm only attempting to use shorthand, something you are obviously fond of.

TS: mirandaa..

ML: Can I get back to work now, Shepard? I have some operations reports to file.

TS: youre no fun.

ML: You can try bothering Jacob if you must bother someone.

TS: noo, every time I visit him he's working out with his shirt off & trying 2 show me his abs or something

ML: Deal with it.

[conversation terminated by MLaws]

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Mercs. Fucking mercs EVERYWHERE

/TEXT FILE DELETED/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: Turian facial scarring

SEARCH: turian face paint

SEARCH: turian naked

…

**Keystroke Log:**

OMG GARRUS IS BACK!

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Messages Received:**

From: Abby Williams & sisters

To: Shepard

Shepard,

We weren't going to believe it, but we heard it on the extranet just after we got your message. You really are back. Losing you after losing sis… it was hard. We're glad to hear you're okay. Things are going alright with us. It's just good to hear from you.

Sarah, Lynn, and Abby

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Dear Mom,

I was wrong about Miranda. She's AWESOME!

Awesome to mess with, that is.

Don't worry, mom… I won't screw her up too bad.

No more than she deserves, anyways.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: visor /MODIFIED/ headshot visor /MODIFIED/ boom headshot

PURCHASE: Kuwashii Visor music interface [software]

DOWNLOAD: Retro Music Pack

DOWNLOAD: Top 10 Soundtracks Music Pack

STREAM: Blasto: The Jellyfish Stings [vid]

…


	3. The Citadel

The Secret Life of Commander Shepard:

A Dossier

…

Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard is a psychotic biotic, terrible at tech, a notorious drunk, and the galaxy's last hope. If she were to look herself up in the Shadow Broker's files, what would she find?

This dossier follows her through the events of Mass Effect 2, and stars the same Shepard as 'Starlight'.

…

A/N: I forgot to mention before that this fic is eight chapters in total. I also wanted to give a big thank you to those who have reviewed, favorited, and followed so far! I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!

…

Commander Tempest Shepard

SSV Normandy SR2

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Mom,

I hate the council. Why did I save their asses again? UGH!

Also, I hate Udina so much. Why hasn't someone fired him yet? I thought promoting Anderson would give him the swift kick in the butt he's always needed, but nooo, he's still the same egotistic assface he ever was.

On the bright side, I got a hamster and fish!

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

DOWNLOAD: The Care and Keeping of Fish [pamphlet]

DOWNLOAD: The Care and Keeping of Space Hamsters [pamphlet] /FILE DELETED/

PURCHASE: Heroes of the Citadel action figure pack

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: Mordin!

STGdoc: Commander. Talk fast. In the middle of investigating human-turian breeding possibilities.

TS: …..what now ?

SD: No time, Commander!

TS: o sorry

TS: Boo is making a funny squeaking noise

SD: What is a Boo?

TS: my miniture giant space hamster

SD: No such thing as miniature giant space hamster, Commander. Probably just regular space hamster.

TS: anyways I need u to check on him!

SD: Bring him down to lab. Will look over him.

TS: TY MORDIN!

[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Mom,

I think I'm going to spend more time helping out all my crew with their unfinished business instead of actually getting ready for the collectors. who knew so many people on my crew had daddy issues?

I don't mind tooooo much, tho. More opportunities to blow up mercs and mechs. I've been in the mood to explode things.

I had a little freak out yesterday about my hamster. Apparently the funny noise Boo is making is totally normal for a miniture giant hamster. Didn't know hamsters squeaked!

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: do you want to come up to my room and play with my artifact?

Calibrations101: what?

TS: everyone has come to play except u

TS: it gets bigger when you touch it!

C101: …

TS: its prothean!

TS: it doesn't do much but get bigger and smaller but its really shiny and cool!

C101: ah… Prothean.

TS: Well u should come see!

TS: its on my coffee table :)

[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: Pre-spaceflight space movies

DOWNLOAD: Star Wars original trilogy [vids]

DOWNLOAD: Star Wars prequel trilogy [vids] /FILES DELETED/

…

**Chat Transcript:**

MLaws: Ah, Commander, you're online. I was hoping to talk to you.

TempestuousShep: sup miri?

ML: Well, I was thinking that, if you can spare the time of course, we should get you some driving lessons with the Hammerhead.

TS: why?

TS: i can drive

ML: Shepard, the Hammerhead is a very expensive and sensitive piece of equipment that requires careful handling.

ML: I would just like to ensure that it continues to stay in working order.

TS: psh the hammy isn't sensitive at all

TS: you ever driven a mako?

ML: I have not.

TS: try to turn and you spin out!

TS: hit the boost and you fly off a mountain!

ML: I see.

TS: unless ur an expert like me of course

TS: I mean I do that sometimes but only on purpose

TS: and Garrus can keep it working

TS: he can fix it on the fly, hes awesome like that

TS: besides, if something gets really broke u can call up tali

TS: she can fix annnnything

ML: Shepard, even so, I strongly advise you to take this opportunity

TS: pleez, miri, don't wanna waste my time with that when i could be doin other stuff

TS: like driving the hammy over a volcano or something!

ML: Right. Forget I mentioned it.

[conversation terminated by MLaws]

…


	4. Horizon

The Secret Life of Commander Shepard:

A Dossier

…

Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard is a psychotic biotic, terrible at tech, a notorious drunk, and the galaxy's last hope. If she were to look herself up in the Shadow Broker's files, what would she find?

This dossier follows her through the events of Mass Effect 2, and stars the same Shepard as 'Starlight'.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard

SSV Normandy SR2

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Hey Mom,

So I basically get to babysit two teenagers on my team right now and it suuuucks.

Grunt is really only a couple days old (kinda its complicated), and he's krogan so it's like having a teenage boy in the cargo hold, but with less masturbation. Hopefully.

…I'm really, really glad you aren't actually reading this right now.

Jack is worse, though. Shes supposed to be an adult, but she acts like an emo teen all the time. Yeah, you had a hard life. So did lots of people (like me, bitch, how many times have you DIED?) but I don't see everyone else whining about it all the time or pretending to be super hardcore when they're really just an emo kid (lookin u, jack). I basically want to strangle her all the time. She's an awesome biotic tho, so at least she's good for something. Grunt kicks ass too. Did I mention he was krogan?

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

DOWNLOAD: Star Trek: The Original Series [vid]

DOWNLOAD: Star Trek: The Next Generation [vid]

DOWNLOAD: Kirk or Picard? The Eternal Question [essay]

PURCHASE: USS Enterprise model ship

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Mom,

TIM just told me. Kaiden /MODIFIED/ Kaidan is stationed on Horizon, and we're going there now. Because the collectors are attacking it.

I don't even know what to do with this. The extranet wouldn't tell me where he was, Anderson wouldn't tell me, and TIM just drops the info in conversation like it's nothing, RIGHT before we head over there. He's such an asshole.

I don't even know if we're going to see him at all when we get there. Maybe the collectors will have him. I don't know. I can't focus.

What scares me, though, is what he'll think if he does see me. I'm afraid of how he will react. Will he be glad to see me even? I hate this. Give me a situation where I can shoot something anytime and I'll kick ass at it. Fucking human interaction though… it sucks balls.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

PURCHASE: Captain Morgan Spiced Rum, case of 4

PURCHASE: Tuchankan Ryncol Unfiltered, case of 12

PURCHASE: Montequilla Tequila, case of 24

PURCHASE: Thessian Ice Wine, case of 6

…

**Messages Sent:**

From: Commander Tempest Shepard, SSV Normandy

To: Kaiden /MODIFIED/ Kaidan Alenko

Fuck you.

Sincerely,

Tempest /LINE ERASE/ Ava /LINE ERASE/ Shepard

/MESSAGE DELETED/

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Dear Mom,

I'm tired of being strong. Everyone leans on me and I have no one to lean on. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of all this.

I just want to go home.

I know its stupid. I'm 31. (Or 29? have to ask Miranda.) I should act like a grown up. But I'm so damn sick of being the "only one" who can do this or that or whatever. Someone else should do it for a change! Fuck all of this. I quit the galaxy. I need a drink.

Also, my fish fucking died.

/TEXT FILE DELETED/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: i hate men

SEARCH: vibrators

DOWNLOAD: Babeland Galactic Interspecies Sex Toys Limited [catalogue]

PURCHASE: Rabbit Vibe Classic

PURCHASE: Economy pack batteries

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Mom,

Garrus got me a new fish. Feeling slightly better. Keeping the vibrator tho.

Definitely, definitely glad you aren't reading this.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: Fish food /MODIFIED/ automatic fish feeder

SEARCH: dextro amino acids

PURCHASE: The Discovery Institute presents: Classic Shark Week [vid]

…


	5. Tuchanka

The Secret Life of Commander Shepard:

A Dossier

…

Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard is a psychotic biotic, terrible at tech, a notorious drunk, and the galaxy's last hope. If she were to look herself up in the Shadow Broker's files, what would she find?

This dossier follows her through the events of Mass Effect 2, and stars the same Shepard as 'Starlight'.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard

SSV Normandy SR2

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: mir

MLaws: Commander?

TS: can u pick up a package 4 me?

ML: Why can't you do it yourself?

TS: Gotta go 2 toochanka

ML: It's Tuchanka, Commander. Why?

TS: grunt broke a window

ML: What?

TS: don't worry its on the inside

TS: hes got the krogan flu or something

ML: You should have told me about the window, Shepard.

TS: can u get my package?

ML: Fine.

TS: thanx!

[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: krogan /MODIFIED/ krogan puberty

DOWNLOAD: Growing Up Krogan [pamphlet] /DOWNLOAD INCOMPLETE/

SEARCH: toochanka entertainment /MODIFIED/ Tuchanka entertanment /MODIFIED/ Tuchanka bars

…

**Chat Transcript:**

MLaws: Commander?

TempestuousShep: ya?

ML: I have your package.

TS: Thanks a mil, miri

ML: Please stop calling me that.

TS: fine, Miranda.

TS: That better?

ML: Yes.

TS: so can I just come get it from ur office or what

ML: You told them to collect on delivery.

ML: You aren't getting your package until you pay Cerberus back.

TS: But Mirandaa..

ML: No buts, Commander.

TS: hehe.

ML. Ugh.

[conversation terminated by MLaws]

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Mom

SO FUCKING PISSED right now.

I hate hate HATE tim. he is the worst person ever. He sent us into the collector ship and he knew it was a trap. I mean, I would have gone anyway, but he didn't have to be a fucking asshole liar who almost got us killed!

SO MUCH RAGE. gonna go kill some mercs or something.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Kuwashii targeting visor music selections (top 10): **

"Eye of the Tiger" (Survivor)

"The Final Countdown" (Europe)

"Blasto: The Jellyfish Stings" (Cast Soundtrack)

"Nekyia Corridor" (Cast Soundtrack)

"Flux" (Club Mix)

"Mix It" (Skinsuit)

"Knights of Cydonia" (Muse)

"Ride of the Valkyries" (Richard Wagner)

"I'm Sexy and I Know It" (LMFAO)

"Quarian Kiss" (Lita'Orn nar Idenna)

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Kelly offered to feed my fish. Thank goodness.

Had to do some hardcore flirting, but it was sooooo worth it.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: Mirandaa…

MLaws: What is it now, Commander?

TS: do you think TIM would pay to expand the minibar in Kasumi's room? for morale, u know.

ML: TIM?

TS: u know, The Illusive Man.

ML: You want Cerberus to pay for your drinking problem?

TS: youre such a buzzkill, randa

ML: Randa?

[conversation terminated by MLaws]

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: Ardat-yakshi

SEARCH: Morinth

SEARCH: Asari legends

SEARCH: calibration times

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Mom,

seriously, the things I do for my crew.

I had to seduce a murderer who kills people by having asari sex with them. really.

I mean, it was so we could catch her and all, but WTF.

I've had asari sex before, a few times. I think. IDK Liara did her mind-meld thing with me twice, and then that other asari chick, the green clone-y one who was in the thorian. it was horrible & made my head hurt.

it's a wonder anyone has sex with an asari twice.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: Miri…

MLaws: Don't call me that.

TS: mirandaa

ML: Yes?

TS: Can u tell Rupert to cook double rations 2nite?

ML: Why would I need to do that, Commander?

TS: i invited the girls from afterlife 2 the ship

ML: You didn't.

TS: for morale! Mirandaaa…

ML: No, Shepard. We're going back to Afterlife and rescinding your invitation.

TS: u suck.

[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: define: rescinding

SEARCH: miranda lawson /MODIFIED/ miranda lawson sucks

…


	6. Picking Up Tali'Zorah

The Secret Life of Commander Shepard:

A Dossier

…

Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard is a psychotic biotic, terrible at tech, a notorious drunk, and the galaxy's last hope. If she were to look herself up in the Shadow Broker's files, what would she find?

This dossier follows her through the events of Mass Effect 2, and stars the same Shepard as 'Starlight'.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard

SSV Normandy SR2

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: Quarian /MODIFIED/ Quarian face

STREAM: Fleet and Flotilla [vid]

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: so

TaliZorah Normandy: Shepard?

TS: you and kal'reegar

TS: ;)

TS: if u like him I can invite him on our crew!

TZN: Shepard, it's not like that!

TS: no?

TS: I was so sure! :(

TS: any1 else I can help u with?

TZN: Well…

TS: yes?

TZN: Jacob is kind of cute.

TS: o honey

TS: jacob is a tool you can do better

TZN: He has really nice abs though…

TS: did u walk in on his workout?

TZN: How did you know?

TS: happened more times than I can count..

TS: traumatized.. trying to block it out

TS: lets see… what other guys r on teh ship ?

TS: thane is too old

TZN: He's my dad's age!

TS: mordin isn't dating any1

TZN: Also too old, though… figuratively speaking.

TS: grunt is krogan

TS: would u date a krogan?

TZN: I don't think so.

TS: ummm… zaeed's too old. also obsessed w his rifle

TS: Joker! what about joker?

TS: u both like ship tech!

TZN: Doesn't Joker have a bone disease? Can he… you know.

TS: oh… no I dont think he can :(

TS: i thought I had it

TS: :(

TZN: What about Garrus?

TS: hes

TS: otherwise occupied

TS: yeah

TZN: Relax, Shepard, I was just teasing you.

TS: why would u tease me abotu garrus ?

TZN: Don't play coy, Shepard… everyone knows you're interested in each other!

TS: ….

[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]

…

**Messages Received: **

From: Kasumi

To: Shep

Shep

It's a song from Earth. It's old, like, the birth of modern music old, but I thought it might interest you.

Kasumi

/ATTACHED/ "Don't Fear the Reaper" (Blue Oyster Cult) [audio clip]

…

**Keystroke Log:**

I don't remember what it was like to die. What I remember is seeing Kaidan for the last time, being scared he wouldn't make it. I wasnt ever scared for myself. I remember going to get Joker, and then… nothing. I guess I got Joker onto a shuttle since he's here today. I asked him to tell me what happened but he didn't want to talk to me.

Did it hurt when I died? If I remembered, would I be afraid?

/TEXT FILE DELETED/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: terminus system bars /MODIFIED/ terminus top 10 bars

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: talizoraa

Tali'Zorah Normandy: What's up, Shepard?

TS: nothing U?

TZN: Have you been drinking?

TS: How did u kno?/

TZN: Lucky guess.

TZN: Shepard, you should go lie down.

TS: nooo Im havign fun

TZN: Seriously, Shepard.

TS: noo i got 2 finish thifs 24pack

TZN: 24 pack of what?

TS: serice ice brandy ;)

TZN: Oh Keelah.

[conversation terminated by Tali'Zorah Normandy]

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Commander Shepard's Daddy Issues Reference Sheet:

Normandy SR1

Anderson – "being a dad" issues (divorced, doesn't see son much)

Kaidan – yes, wouldn't share details tho

Ashley – dad is dead (major daddy's girl)

Garrus – constant need to prove self to dad, always clashing w/ each other

Tali – trying to live up to dad's reputation, desperate for approval/love

Wrex – father tried to kill him, had to kill father and leave home planet

Liara – doesn't know identity of father, but MAJOR mother issues!

Jenkins – none/unknown

Normandy SR2

Miranda – crazy father tried to kill her, semi-cloned from him, constantly trying to escape from him & protect her sister (holy shit, motherlode of daddy issues!)

Jacob – dad wasn't really there for him, then MIA for 10 years, crazy & evil, pointed a gun at dad and had him arrested

Kelly – trying to pry into everyone else's daddy issues

Kasumi – none/unknown

Garrus – yes (see SR1)

Mordin – none/unknown (salarians don't know father's family well)

Zaeed – none/unknown

Jack – only issue she doesn't have is daddy issues

Grunt – warped father figured created him in a lab to be a super-soldier & promptly died

Samara – "being a mom" issues, kids are all ardat-yakshi, had to kill one of them

Thane – "being a dad" issues, abandoned his son for years

Tali – yes (see SR1)

Me: parents were killed by slavers, always looking for new father figures (hello Anderson!) & jealous of everyone else who has parents.

Holy shit, this crew needs therapy.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…


	7. Calibrations

The Secret Life of Commander Shepard:

A Dossier

…

Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard is a psychotic biotic, terrible at tech, a notorious drunk, and the galaxy's last hope. If she were to look herself up in the Shadow Broker's files, what would she find?

This dossier follows her through the events of Mass Effect 2, and stars the same Shepard as 'Starlight'.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard

SSV Normandy SR2

…

**Keystroke Log:**

So I got this gun that has the same name as me! How sweet is that? I don't use it much, but I always carry it around anyway. It's awesome, don't you think?

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: how do i install VI?

DOWNLOAD: VIs for Dummies [book] /DOWNLOAD INCOMPLETE/

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: tali?

Tali'Zorah Normandy: What's up, Shepard?

TS: can u come up here & install this vi for me?

TZ: You can't do it yourself? What kind of VI is it?

TS: it's a vi of me

TS: for my terminal

TZ: It's a what?

TZ: Never mind. I'm on my way up.

TS: TY!

[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]

…

**Messages Received:**

From: Miranda Lawson

To: Commander Shepard

Comander,

For the love of God will you please stop quoting old space movies all the time? The crew is filing complaints.

Operative Lawson

…

**Messages Sent:**

From: Shepard

To: Miri

If you insist…

Live long & prosper,

TS

…

**Messages Received:**

From: Miranda Lawson

To: Commander Shepard

Seriously, Commander? I _just_ told you to stop.

Miranda

…

**Messages Sent:**

From: Shepard

To: Randa

Star Trek was a SHOW thank you very much.

S

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Um Mom…

I just hit on Garrus. Like, invited him to take a ride on the Tempest-train, if you know what I mean. Like, I just told my best friend that I want to have sex with him. And he said yes. I think. Need to think on this more.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Messages Sent:**

From: Shepard

To: Garrus

So about /LINE ERASE/ Nevermind what I /LINE ERASE/ Sorry about earlier. I kinda crossed the line, and I don't want to ruin our friendship. I mean, unless you want to. /LINE ERASE/ /UNDO/

What I'm saying is, I was a little bit drunk when we talked /LINE ERASE/ I didn't want to make you uncomfortable and I'm sorry if I did.

So, yeah. Sorry again.

/SAVED TO DRAFTS/

[pause of 2 hours and 17 minutes]

/MESSAGE SENT/

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: Human Turian relations /MODIFIED/ Human Turian relations not porn /MODIFIED/ Human Turian relations porn

DOWNLOAD: Fraternizing with the Enemy vols. 1-3 [vid]

…

**Chat Transcript: **

TempestuousShep: hey M

MLaws: Commander?

TS: Can we have a sillystring fight in the crew deck common area?

ML: Why would you ever want to do something like that?

TS: morale, mir, what else?

ML: Of course. Forget I asked.

TS: So…

ML: No.

TS: BUT mirandaa… Garrus said they spar on turian ships 2 let off tension.

TS: this is like that but no1 gets hurt!

TS: How would u like it if we sparred 4 real?

ML: The answer is still no, Commander.

TS: what if I clean it all up myself?

ML: No means no!

TS: ur so unreasonable!

[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]

…

**Messages Received:**

From: Garrus

To: Shepard

Shepard,

I'm still interested if you are. As for wanting something closer to home, well, like I've said… I've never been a very good turian.

If you want to talk, why don't you come down in a bit when I've finished with these calibrations?

G

…

**Extranet Activity:**

DOWNLOAD: Weapons Calibrations for Dummies [book]

SEARCH: calibration innuendo

DOWNLOAD: Translator add-on: Turian slang and idioms v3.2 [software]

…


	8. Collector Base

The Secret Life of Commander Shepard:

A Dossier

…

Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard is a psychotic biotic, terrible at tech, a notorious drunk, and the galaxy's last hope. If she were to look herself up in the Shadow Broker's files, what would she find?

This dossier follows her through the events of Mass Effect 2, and stars the same Shepard as 'Starlight'.

…

Commander Tempest Shepard

SSV Normandy SR2

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Mom,

I was totally just inside a reaper. don't worry, it was dead, more or less. It was weird though. And we had to crash it into the planet core to get out. wtf is my life.

I wasn't scared or anything beucase Joker really is as good as he says, but still. why can't I go on a mission and not almost die?

Also we picked up a geth over there. It said my name and is wearing my armor. nope, not weird at all. wtf.

it wants to be part of the crew so I said okay (id question my sanity if I wasn't already def crazy) but when I ask about why its wearing my armor it keeps saying "no data available" and that's definitely bullshit. ….geth can lie, right?

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Messages Received:**

From: Legion

To: Commander Shepard

Shepard-Commander,

Legion has sent you a MercWars invitation.

Do you accept?

…

**Messages Sent:**

From: Shepard

To: Legion

I HATE MERCS!

…

**Messages Received:**

From: Legion

To: Commander Shepard

Shepard-Commander,

Legion has sent you a FarmVerse invitation.

Do you accept?

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: mlaws?

MLaws: …

TS: is it against regs to hang a swing in my room?

ML: Shepard, what would you

ML: Nevermind. I don't want to know.

TS: well?

ML: No!

TS: aw.

[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]

…

**Extranet Activity:**

SEARCH: Human Turian chafing /MODIFIED/ Human Turian chafing not porn

PURCHASE: Cross-species lubricant, jumbo size

SUBSCRIPTION: Badass Weekly

DOWNLOAD: Commander Shepard VI patch v8.1 [software]

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: hey Tali..

Tali'Zorah Normandy: Hey, Shepard.

TZ: Do you need help with something?

TS: How did u know?

TS: Miranda blocked me.

TZ: And you want me to hack into the system and unblock you.

TS: preciesly!

TZ: Hang on.

[pause of 47.5 seconds]

TZ: There you go.

TS: thank u! You're a genius!

[conversation terminated by TempestuousShep]

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TS: Miri?

MLaws: How did you get yourself unblocked?

TS: I dunno

ML: I can't get anything done when you're messaging me.

TS: sorry. I'll be quiet.

[pause of 24.3 seconds]

TS: Psst.

ML: What is it now?!

TS: nevermind

[conversation terminated by MLaws]

…

**Extranet Activity:**

DOWNLOAD: Kama Sutra for the Xenophile [book]

SEARCH: illusive man downfall

SEARCH: commander Shepard hero /MODIFIED/ commander Shepard superhero

DOWNLOAD: Shepard: Heroine from the Fringes of Space [comic book]

…

**Keystroke Log:**

Damn, I even amaze myself sometimes.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

**Chat Transcript:**

TempestuousShep: mirandaa….

MLaws: What?

TS: can I throw a cocktail party

ML: I'm going to regret asking this, but why?

TS: 2 celebrate, duh! keep morale up

ML: You know, Shepard, after all the time and money invested in you, it's funny how much I want to kill you sometimes.

TS: thats not funny miri

TS: thats not a funny joke

TS: im hurt :(

ML: I didn't mean it, Shepard.

TS: lol jk I was messing with you

[conversation terminated by MLaws]

…

**Keystroke Log:**

telling the illusive man to suck it was one of the best moments of my life.

/TEXT FILE SAVED/

…

A/N: Working on this fanfic has been a blast, and I hope you've all enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews!

I also wanted to mention that, if you're interested in reading more on this particular Shepard, she is featured in my Starlight collection of stories. Though they tend to be more serious in nature, there are still comedic stories scattered throughout. Again, thank you for reading!


End file.
